Saturday, September 12, 2009

My birthday surprise started a lil earlier during iftar with the wonders where i was presented with a home made bread and oreo pudding by Rohaya as my cake with a big candle on top of it.Thank yous ladies :)

On the day itself, i would like to believe that the first person to wish me happy birthday was my husband, at the stroke of midnight, just that i was deeply asleep and he had to tell me that again during sahur that morning.. hehe

While at work, my colleagues came over to my desk and sang me a birthday song. I realised that this time it was louder, coz compared to previous years, our company had grown quite a bit. I was caught by surprise as my work station is facing the wall and and i had my ears plugged to RIA as they had started playing hari raya songs, and i was unaware that they were all sneaking up behind me and sang and presented me my little gifts. Say hello to Bobbi Brown make up kit (thanks Aidah, i love it!) and a gift set frm The Body Shop from the whole office. Picture below was taken with my accounts department.

That evening, we broke our fast with something light before Mr K brought us to Swenson. As usual, i had my fav salmon baked rice. The firehouse ice cream is on the house and then Mr K asked me to close my eyes and presented me with these...

A new watch!

A new camera!

Thank you so much sayang! The camera is gorgeous in red! Thank you for making my 3rd September a memorable one :)

And thank you for all the overwhelming amount wishes and messages i received that day on facebook and through sms that day. That really made my day.

My 3rd September this year definitely is a lot better than my 3rd September last year where i spent my birthday till close to 10pm in the office clearing my audit. And yeah, Mr K was with me too in the office, together with 2 of my other colleagues.

4 May 2009.

So we decided. No, Mr K decided that we should drop by the nearest pharmacy and get that kit. He insist that i should at least give it a try to have some kind of confirmation. So right after work, we headed to Centrepoint and randomly chose a kit.

Mr K had been having those kinda symptoms - headaches and nauseousness while i, on the other hand felt nothing. Just once when we got our house keys 4 days back and we decided to have dinner outside with our agent cum friend, i had difficulties staying awake and it was only 10 pm. Since i felt normal, i did not suspect anything apart from missing those monthly period once in April. However, since Mr K was the one who did not feel good he insisted that i should try and give that kit a shot.

That night i was nervous. I did not want to try it. I did not want to pee on that stick, but Mr K kept asking me countlessly if had done it. He insisted i went for it. We had to wait for 20 minutes before the result were out. After i did it, i did not want to look at it. I put it back in the box and brought it to our room and we shoved it under our bed. The lines that appear in the windows would somehow or rather determine the answer to our curiosity.

Time is up. It was 11.09 pm. "You go and open it," i said handing the box to him. "No, you open it," and passed the box back to me. "Ok, lets take a look at it together," he said.

The next thing i remembered, he was screaming out loud and jumping up and down, while i was was staring at the kit, looking for a plus sign in one of the windows. "What are you doing? Aren't we suppose to be looking for a plus sign or something to show that its positive?" I asked.

"No, u just need to see 2 lines appear in both windows. Sayang, we are gonna be parents! We are going to have a baby! Alhamdulillah!" he explained and rushed out to tell his sleeping sister and sleeping parents before coming back to call 2 of our close friends (a mummy and a mummy to be, you know who you are) and his cousin.

I was still not convinced. Was that kit that we randomly select from the pharmacy accurate enough?

Are we really having a baby?

23 May 2009

One week after Mr K's reservist,(and another week to go), we decided to pay my family doctor a visit. Its been a while since i last saw her and we told her of the news and she got excited and began asking us questions. Then she made me lie down and felt my tummy and exclaimed, "Its confirmed, i can feel it, its quite big, so from the date that you gave me u might be already 3 months and your first trimester is over." She fixed an appointment with a gynae and we were to meet our gynae in 10 days.

She advised me to take good care of myself and that any pain or if i had even the slightest bleeding, i should immediately consult a doctor.

Apparently when we went back and i was recalculating my dates i realised that i had given her a wrong date and based on that calculation, i should only be 8 weeks, so that means my first trimester is still not over and i went back to my family doctor and asked her for folic acid tablets.

2 June 2009

We had our first appointment today at 9 am. We met our gynae, Dr Jeanette Chen, at her clinic, located at Thomson Medical Centre (TMC). Friendly and bubbly gynae she is. Again, she asked us the same questions that we were asked at the clinic and she estimated that i was at my 9th week today.

She did a scan, there it was. A tiny little human being (well, i couldn't figure out where it was initially), then she showed us the heartbeat, a tiny heart that was beating very fast and the best part of today's visit was when we heard the thump-a-thumping of our baby's heartbeat.

Subhanallah.

Masya Allah. It was amazing.

Then Dr Chen alerted us on something that was staring at us at the screen. We saw 2 big roundish things. According to her, those were cysts. From the scan, we could see 2 which was about 7 cm each. She explained to us a little about cysts, there's good cysts, there's bad cysts, which could be cancerous. She fixed another detailed scan to be done one level down and we were to give her the report.

3 cysts. One small one and 2 big ones. A brief explanation were given, options laid out, decisions to be made later. Currently, nothing much could be done to the cysts as i was still in my first trimester and the size of our baby is still very small. We have an option of either to remove them or just to leave it. The only time to remove the cysts is between 14 weeks to 15 weeks when the baby is bigger and is more stable. At the back of my head i knew and had decided that i was not going have anything removed from my body. The only thing that is coming out from me will be our baby when the time comes in January 2010.

Other that those, Dr Chen said we have nothing much to worry about.

We had our second appointment fixed 3 weeks later.

2.5hours later, with too much information overloaded, a picture of our baby, a hospital tour, and a diaper bag full of goodies, we left TMC had a quick lunch at Secret Recipe and i went back to work.

16 June 2009.

Work had been ok in the past week, with the occasional dizzy spells coming and going. I have been eating, but not much. I felt hungry but at the same time, I started to have problems finishing my food.

That night, while we made our payment for our tv, i felt a slight pain in my tummy. I thought i was just tired and brushed off any negatives thoughts and concluded that it was just stitch, u know the feeling u get when u run too much, yup stitch. We've been walking a lot anyway.

I felt something was not right, when we got back. I had some spotting. It was dark. I panicked and told Mr K, who then asked my mother in law. "It was normal, don't worry ok?" He told me.

I was not satisfied. I turned on the laptop and we googled it up.

"Dark brown spotting during pregnancy is normal and nothing to worry about. Its just old blood that emits from your body as your baby gets bigger. Unless its fresh blood - which shows that something new is happening in your body, you should consult your gynae immediately."

I remembered those paragraph word by word. Mr K convinced me it was normal, then we went to sleep.

17 June 2009.

I woke up and as usual, showered and got ready for work. Those dark spotting are still coming out. I could feel it, and i didn't want to look at it. As i was praying, i felt a lump. I felt uncomfortable, i felt worried.

It was fresh blood. I remembered the paragraph that i read last night.

I was restless. Mr K sensed my restlessness and asked me if i was alright.

I burst into tears and told him. We both panicked. We were in shock. We didn't know what to do. We decided to visit our gynae. However, since the clinic is opened only at 9 am, we decided that we both go to work first as i need to settle some stuff in the office.

Upon reaching office, i told my HR that i would be taking urgent leave. I did my stuff, called up my gynae and told her what happen (i was beginning to bleed more) and was told to come by her clinic immediately. I left the office 20 minutes to 10, met my husband and rushed to TMC.

Although Dr Chen was busy that morning - her clinic was crowded, i was put on priority and was led to see her. She did the necessary, did the scan.

Both Mr K and i were extremely relieved to see our baby moving actively in my womb. Alhamdulillah. Our baby is enjoying the little space, doing its stunts waving hands and kicking legs.

"Baby is fine, we can see how active baby is, and here's the heartbeat. However, you are already dilated and its a good thing that you came here immediately coz if you move around too much, there's chances that you might deliver coz the baby is still very small."

I cried when i heard that. We could have lost this one. Alhamdulillah, we did not. I was glad that i called up and come immediately to see our gynae and not wait till our appointment which is just 5 days later. We heard a new word today. Polyps, another problem that was harmless and maybe that's was caused the bleeding.

I was told not to move around too much I was told to rest. And since i was bleeding quite heavily, Dr Chen made the arrangements for us to go to KKH Emergency and consult one of the doctors Dr Ben, there to monitor my condition, and advised for me to stay in KKH for observation. I was not allowed to walk out from her clinic, i was put on a wheelchair and push to the taxi stand to go over to KKH.

Since it was an emergency, i didn't know what to think, how to think. Why do i need to KKH emergency again? I didn't know. I couldn't think. I was just sad. And extremely worried. Oh it was because i was dilated and i need to rest and something else. I didn't know.

At KKH, more scans were done. By the doctor, by the senior doctor. And we waited for the report.

Again the cysts were brought up. Again, the same options were laid before us and again, i do not want them removed. Let's just get on with the pregnancy and look out for any unbearable pains - the risk involved when the cysts twist, turn burst, should that happen, an emergency op would have to be done.

I was advised to be warded for a week, but if my bleeding reduced, i could go home the next day.

18 June 2009.

Alhamdulillah, i was discharged today. I was given 2 weeks hospitalisation leave and was told to rest at home. A follow up visit to the doctor and a scan was scheduled on 7 July 2009.

23 June 2009.

Our second appointment with Jeneatte Chen. I was better. Still bleeding, but reduced. We saw our baby again, heard the heartbeat. Baby was growing bigger and fine. Alhamdulillah. We had other baby related tests/scans done today would come back the following week.

1 July 2009.

Again, appointment with Jeneatte Chen. Again, we were awed when we saw our baby. Saw and heard the heartbeat, but baby was just resting quietly in my womb, kicking its legs.

7 July 2009.

We were already staying in our home for 3 days now. I was alone at home after Mr K went to work. I was sweeping the kitchen floor and i spoke to our baby while sweeping. Mr K and I had been talking our baby every morning and each night before we go to sleep.

Today was our follow up scan at KKH after my discharge. A follow up scan to monitor the baby and the cysts. Its like dejavu all over again. Same scan, different person to scan me up but the same senior doctor to verify.

She did the scan. It was quite long. Then she called er colleague "to confirm". They were discussing something. I did not ask them anything coz i know the reply would be. That they will produce a report and my doctor will explain to me.

I was asked how many weeks was i at. 13 and a half weeks, i replied. I was asked when was the last scan done. "Just last week, 1 July," i replied. "Was all fine last week?" They asked. "Everything's fine, baby's fine, heartbeat were heard as normal" i replied happily.

Close to an hour later, the scan was complete and i could leave the room and look for Mr K who was waiting for me outside, The report will be out in an hour and we need to register to meet with Dr Ben.

The waiting was like a lifetime. It took us almost 1.5 hours before we met him.

We couldn't wait. Finally it was our turn to see Dr Ben.

We was greeted by he soft spoken doctor. He asked how i was or if i had suffered any pain or any heavy bleeding. Nope, no pain, just slight bleeding which i had grown accustomed to since the last discharge from KKH.

The Report

"Okay, Arlinda, from the report here, it shows that there has been a slight reduction in size of your cysts."

That's good right? I thought.

And he continued.

"And based on this report, they could not detect the hearbeat of the baby..."

Silence. I thought my heart stopped.

I stared at him blankly. I turned to look at my husband who was seated behind me.

I looked back at the doctor.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"I'm sorry to inform you but your baby did not make it.Your baby's hearbeat had stopped and that you had a miscarriage, and this report and the scan was done and verified by our most senior doctor and.."

I cut in, "But i did not feel any pain, my bleeding reduced and there was no symptoms, how could that happened?"

We were told that these could happen although it was very rare, and that there was no explanation as to why it happened.

The baby was still in my womb, but with no heartbeat. I had a lifeless baby in me.

I could no longer speak, and my husband took over the conversation. What actually happened, why, how and when it happened could not be determined. Dr Ben explained to us calmly what are the next steps to be taken, and the options.

It was only last week we saw our baby. And today we were told we lost our baby. We did not even know exactly when. We did not know the gender.

Both my husband and i were in denial. We did not want to believe the report. We did not want to believe what we heard.

Dr Ben contacted my gynae and told her what happened and arranged for an appointment with her the following morning for us to seek a second opinion.

We left KKH around 6 and went straight back to our home. Mr K called up his parents and my parents and a close friend to inform them of the news.

8 July 2009.

Yesterday was a shocking day for us. Our family came over to our place all of them with a worried and sad look on their faces. They consoled us and kept saying that things happened for a reason.

During breakfast this morning, Mr K told me of his dream last night. He said that in his dream, we had a lot of visitors in our home. I asked him why and what was he doing. He said he was holding our baby, a baby boy. I asked him what was our baby doing. He said that our baby was all wrapped up in a white cloth. Our conversation ended with bot of us crying. We had been crying too much within this 2 days. He went off to work and i would fetch him at 11 to see our gynae.

At TMC our gynae did the scan. There on the screen, we saw our baby. Our baby lying quietly in my womb. Dr Chen zoomed in to the heartbeat. We saw no heartbeat. We heard no heartbeat. Our baby is gone.

Dr Chen explained to us just like what Dr Ben mentioned. The next step to be taken. I had to go for an op eventually. An op to evacuate my baby and at the same time to remove the 3 cysts. She arranged for an appointment with Dr Ben the following morning to arrange for a schedule for the operation.

9 July 2009.

We met Dr Ben today, sign the papers and i was admitted that afternoon. Dr Ben managed to arrange for my operation at 8.30 am the next morning.

Mr K stayed by my side till i'm warded and had to leave for work. He had to go back home to take my stuff and came back in the evening. My family and in laws came. The worse part for today was when i was given 2 bottles of laxative to drink within 4 hours apparently to remove my bowels. The taste was horrible.

In between during the day i had doctors came to explain what will happen during the op. I would be put on general anesthesia and would be unconscious throughout the op.

10 July 2009.

This is the day. I woke up early to pray. By 6:15 am, a doctor came to insert a pill which would help open up my cervix during the op to evacuate the baby.

My husband came at 7 am. He helped me got ready with the operating gown. He said, "When you're out of the operating room later, i want you to look out for me and smile at me."

I was scared. I was sad. I was worried. I knew he shared the same feelings too. I knew he was trying hard not to show it. And i was trying hard not to show it to him too.

A nurse came and wheel me out of the ward at 7:45 am to the operating theater (OT). As soon as my husband was out of my sight, I started crying throughout and she was kind and consoled me saying that this operation is to help me get better and that i will be alright. I had to wait for a while and was made to lie down. I cried continuously and i tried to calm myself down by reciting whatever surahs that i could think of. I was still crying when its time to wheel my bed out of the waiting area to the OT. Three nurses covered in masks consoled me on the way out. I saw lots of doctors, but i did not see Dr Ben. I had one person after another asking for my name and my I/C number. I was then being put on the anesthetic needle. Not painful as i thought.

I felt giddy. The ceiling started to turn. The anesthesia was taking effect. I couldn't open my eyes for too long coz everything seemed to turn. I managed to see a digital clock nearby, very clearly despite not having my glasses on. It showed 0820 hr.

My bed was pushed further and i saw those big lamps that i always see on tv shows like ER. I was transferred onto another bed and they began to put all sort of things on me.. some wires which they said was to monitor my heartbeat and the last thing i remembered was when they told me that they are putting on the oxygen mask.

***

I was woken up by a gentle pat on my arm. I opened my eyes and i saw someone covered in mask. I heard what he said very clearly. I recognised that voice. It was Dr Ben's voice.

"Arlinda, this is Dr Ben. The operation was successful and the cysts we removed were not cancerous. We will now move you back to your ward."

I looked around me, my vision were not clear as i do not have my glasses on. I was looking out for any symptoms of pain. I did not feel any. I was transferred to another bed, i felt a bearable pain on my tummy. I tried looking at myself down. I still looked the same, i had the same gown on. And i had some kind of special socks on my legs (to improve blood circulation they said) Another doctor passed me a little button and told me to press. I pressed it once. "Arlinda, this is morphine, a painkiller that could help you relieve your pain and u can press the morphine anytime should u feel any pain. From 1-5, is your level of pain now is about 2?" I nodded. I felt pain, but bearable pain. She told me to press the morphine button again and i just did as told. In my head i thought, what kind of pain are we talking about here?

I was wheeled out of the OT to my ward. I was looking for my husband. I could not find him.

I asked the person who wheeled out for the time. It was 12:45 pm. It was close to 1. I was in the OT for 4 hours. Perhaps my husband was off for Friday prayers.

Shortly after,my husband came in and gave i him a smile.

I was feeling extremely sad. I knew he was too. The operation was successful, Alhamdulillah, but our baby is gone. Forever.

Al-Fatehah to our child.

Allah works in a mysterious way and Allah knows what's best for us.