Saturday, January 28, 2006

Warning: this entry is lengthy.

Frankly speaking, i have always underestimated the word fiance, fiancee or the engagement ceremony. I have always thought that, yes, its an occasion that binds two families before they become one. Its a a happy occasion for the couple that they are a step closer before becoming husband and wife. Don't get me wrong, i dun have anything against engagement. Never. I just have underestimated the power of the word fiance.

Until one day, it hit me like like a big, giant canonball.

I dun normally tell me personal life to others. My friends and family don't know whether i'm attached or not coz i never told them coz i myself was confused of my own status.

It all stated in 1999.
Then it ended when we're both busy with our own things in poly. He ended it. He was good enough to tell me instead of just leaving me in the dark. Well, he kept me in the dark most of the time. He said we're better off as friends. Sad i was, but i accepted it.

We kept our distance, but had the occasional friendly phone calls. We didn't mee at all.
Then a few years later, in 2003, during Hari Raya period, he surprised me with a call asking to meet me coz the site he was working on was near my place. Suddenly he was under my block, which i surprised me again thinking how come he arrived within a few minutes. He drove. We went for dinner and i told him that i'll be leaving for Perth in a few weeks. He looked shocked, and dissapointed which i didn't expect coz i was expecting some kind of support from him.

After that, he told me that he needed to tell me something coz its 'needs to be let out and its better for it to be known rather than being kept inside'. It took him a very long time to finally say what he wanted to say. We patched things up that night teling him that if things were to go back to square one like we were before, then its not worth patching things up. He agreed.

The next time i met him was the following week, a few days before i left for Perth. And i didn't get to see him at all. He only said bon voyange and that was it.

I was confused again. I lost him again. Until i finally find the courage to end things on 13th Feb 05, via sms coz i couldn't get hold of him via phone. That poem was for him. And he replied back saying he was too busy to call me. At least he replied to that message. When i was in Perth, he said, we're still togetehr and told me that the breakup never happened. Considering i came back to Singapore EVERY semester break, i didn't get to see him at all, giving me excuses after excuses. Once we were supposed to meet, but on the day itself, he said he had to run some errands for his mom and will meet me at a later time, but that time never comes. That was in July, and i was so pissed coz he had kept me waiting and finally stood me up, that i proposed the break up the second time and kept my distance from him. That proposal to break up received no reply. I went back to Perth in August, and didn't call, sms, or email him. I didn't even wish him happy birthday in October. I just told myself, to keep away, to ignore and made sure i didn't get in touch with him.

And then, he just have to give me a missed call one night while i was in the bathroom. I didn't wanna think its him, but my family members never call me during that hour. Then he sms-ed me, asking how i was and i just replied briefly, that i'm good.

3 days after Syawal, we talked one morning. He said he was sorry for not replying to me with regards to the break up proposal, and explained to me the lamest excuse why he did not get back to me on the day we were to meet. An excuse so lame that i coudn't believe how i could have believed it that when i heard it. I'm not gonna say it here what he actually said, coz it was just unbelievable. Well, then again, it could be true, but its just very doubtful. Only God knows. Then,he said he was planning to come to Perth in December to visit me, and i was like "oh? why?" He needed a break far away from home. And he asked to get things back together. I was ectastic and happy of course coz i thought, i had won the game when he himself come to look for me and made the first call and sms. There had never been a day that went by without me not thinking of him. He said we start back afresh again, right back from the start frm 8 years ago. 8 years is a very long time.

I was so looking forward to coming back to Singapore. I dread having to change my departure date from 14th to 20th December coz of problems selling off my car.

To cut the story short, i got a job 2 weeks after i got back in Singapore. I was so happy, that i told him immediately and he replied immediately how happy he was for me. He even kept in touch by asking me early one morning how my job was and nearly five whether i'm done with work and all, which i found strange coz he never seemd to be so ...concerned. All this via sms. I was in Sg for 2 weeks and still didn't get to talk to him. I wasn't thinking anything since he was always busy.

And then, one day i was happily browsing my friend's(who is is cousin) website, happily smiling when i saw his pic, happily admiring how beautiful the bride looked when suddenly i saw the last unexpected picture with the unexpected narration :

'Next wedding, Cousin (his name) and fiance ____.'
This is when i realised how powerful the word fiance is.

I was shocked. I was beyond shocked. Way beyond shock that i thought that my heart stopped beating. I could have died of shock. Why is he engaged? To someone else, but me?
It took me awhile to sms him to get him to meet me face to face. And i failed miserably. I dun wanna tell him via sms what i knew, but after arguing via sms frm 9-midnight, how he had something serious issue that he hide from me, which he denied endlessly, i finally told him what i found out the next day. And he could only manage a "Where did u hear that from?" And then i never hear from him again. Till now.

I then took the courage to ask my friend, who is his cousin, sms-ed her,whether its true that he is engaged. She confirmed it with me, saying he got engaged during Christmas last year. 5 days after i got back from Perth, just a mere one month plus before we patched up in Nov. And they tied for one year. How do expect me to feel? I thought i was going crazy. I cried till i couldn't cry no more. Since my friend didn't know that i was 'seeing' her cousin, i decided that i needed to let things out, so i met up with her for dinner since i couldn't see him and told her everything. And boy, it definitely made me feel better rather than just keeping it to myslef. The cat is out of the bag.

From there, i knew he had lied to me about almost anything, from his current job, many others. He had always told me that he was still working his old job as an engineer and that he was no longer using his company car and had been going to work by bus/mrt when the fact is that he is currently working somewhere else and had bought himself a car which he drove to and from work.

And my friend also told me, on the day he got engagged, he was being unusually quiet the whole day, which according to my friend, "was not very him coz he wasn't the kind who will sit quietly at one corner,as if something was bothering him."

A poly friend of mine is getting engaged tomorrow and i couldn't bring myslef to go to share with her the happy day. Shida, i'm so sorry, u have my well wishes and i hope everything runs smoothly for u.

I just couldn't bear to go to ur ceremony coz it will only tell me what actually went on during when he got engaged in 25th December 2005. I just can't imagine him sending his rombongan to the girl's place to ask for her hand, how they went to search for the engagement ring, how he introduced her to his parents, how they set their wedding date at the end of the year. I couldn't imagine him shaking the kadi's hand to lafaz the akad nikah and i simply just couldn't imagine him sitting on the dais with someone else. I just couldn't. It just hurts me to imagine all those things which will be happening soon. One year of engagement is not long. Its hurts me deeply. I am heart broken. I felt so used, so betrayed! Coz, i thought he is the one for me.

There. My lengthy entry.

Its been 2 weeks since i got to know abt his status.
I have to accept all this now. I have to accept this as fate. God has planned everything. That he is not to be with me. He belongs to someone else now. He is someone else's fiance. Someone else's husband to be.
My dreams are shattered. I just need an answer why all this happen to me.

Goodbye my lover.
May u find happiness with her.

PS: We haven't officially broke up now. But i know its the end for me. I decided that it would be officially over when he said it straight to my face that he's engaged. Currently, its just over for me.



You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done